The Problem of Pain

The astute reader will observe that I have borrowed this title from the great CS Lewis, who wrote "The Problem of Pain" in the aftermath of the loss of his beloved bride. The book is a fantastic yet heart rending work that I highly recommend.

Before we get started there are a few things that I have to say:

First I really don't want to write this. There are some cool pieces that I am working on, and would much prefer to publish tbh. I just finished an absolute grueling stretch at work that has coincided with a grueling week that was also sandwiched between another grueling stretch. However, I have to be obedient. The problem is that when I feel something pressed into my being to this degree I know that I am supposed to write about it.

Second this piece is going to delve into my faith. I respect and appreciate every one of you who read what I have to say, and I don't desire to make you uncomfortable. However, I really cant write this without talking about God. Whether you are a believer or you just believe that I have an imaginary friend, the point remains that I cant broach this subject any other way. The fact remains that I have only been able to endure my life's experiences through my Christian faith. Regardless of your personal beliefs I encourage you to read on.

Finally what spurred this in the first place was a thoughtful thread that I read on Twitter this morning, if you are curious about the thread it wont take much detective work to figure it out.

The Deception

We aren't who we think we are. What I mean is that sometimes we believe things about ourselves that just aren't true. Let me give you an example. As a young man I had a hair trigger temper. I could fly into a rage at the drop of a hat, and while I can still lose my cool with the best of them, I am a much different man today than I was in the past. As much of a problem this caused for me in my life I just took it for granted that this was an ingrained part of my person. I only came to understand this after a particularly painful chapter in my life.

You all know me as a happily married man who bestows praise upon his wife incessantly. This was not always the case. I have been married previously, and this was not a happy marriage. Some events had transpired in said marriage that required drastic intervention, and above all I wanted to save my marriage. So on the advice of my most cherished friend we sought out marriage counselling. My buddy told me that he attended a church that was known for the quality of its marriage counselling. At the time it did not matter to me whether or not the help would be secular or faith based, I just wanted it to work.

The shock

The marriage counselling consisted of an initial session together, and then we individually met with our respective counsellors. This was going to be easy, because clearly it would be obvious that my ex-wife was a dishonest, narcissistic, giga bitch and I was the aggrieved party. Imagine my shock when my counsellor started his deep dive into my previously unknown issues. It didn't take long until I had to face a very uncomfortable reality. I was pretty fucked up. I was holding onto some childhood trauma that was affecting me in ways that I just never realized. Turns out that my affinity for going from chill to a more handsome version of the Incredible Hulk wasn't due to my genetics, but due to a tremendous amount of unresolved anger just waiting for the opportunity to be unleashed. What happened next was one of the most difficult trials at that stage of my life. Keep in mind at this point in time I had already managed to find myself living with chronic pain, and been rendered homeless by one of the worst natural disasters in US history. Both of these things seemed almost trivial in comparison to the abyss I found myself staring into.

The Solution

I could go into the methods utilized to get through this, but I am not qualified to do so. The mechanism by which I found peace was ultimately the important part. I learned that everyone is fucked up, it is a feature of human existence. The way that I proceeded to conceptualize it is in line with my beliefs. The world was created as a perfect place, and we were once a perfect people. The idea of sin is not that it is some thing that you do and God gets angry about it. Sin is the mechanism by which pain and death corrupted a perfect world. So all of the people who hurt me in my life, well, they were hurt in their lives. The insults that were inflicted upon their persons were passed down generationally, and that this could be traced back to original sin. A theological blockchain if you will. The answer to this problem is simply one of forgiveness. This deceptively simple idea can be quite difficult to pull off. That said, it works. This is why Jesus commands us to forgive those who have wronged us. You aren't forgiving people for their sake, often they likely have forgotten the events that are so painful for you. You are forgiving them for the sake of your own wellbeing.

The Conclusion

Obviously the counselling ultimately was not successful. The truth of the matter is that when my ex got to her pain, she just couldn't face it head on. If there are any thoughts that I have about that woman that can be construed as positive, they consist of some amalgam of sympathy and pity. I do not know the degree to which she had been hurt in her life, but I suspect that it was bad (or she is just clinically a sociopath, I cant rule that out). Eventually the destruction that she brought into my life outweighed the feelings I had for her, and I tried to stay for the kids. Then one day even that wasn't enough for me to endure.

The implications of all of this are quite simple. It is imperative that you face your own demons anon. A wounded human attracts other wounded humans, or worse, predators. Our society is deeply wounded, but it is not a mortal wound. If we are going to turn this ship around it is going to have to start at the individual level. The process seems impossible, but in my case my faith allowed me to free myself of some terrible baggage. The experience allowed me to find peace, and appreciate the woman who I would eventually make my bride. In the ideal world we were created for we wouldn't have to deal with such things, however we find ourselves in a wounded world, ill equipped to handle such spiritual insults. I wish you all the best, you will get nothing but love from Jack in this pursuit. If you need an ear, know that you have at least one guy who can listen. I don't have anything else to say right now. Until next time, Jack.

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