Jack's Wavering Faith

Interestingly enough, when I asked my readers on what I should feature as my 100th Sigle blog post, Mr. Wagmi suggested faith. I spent a couple of days thinking about it, and had some pretty good ideas (or so I thought). Then I wound up writing about the project that my team and I have been working on. Turns out, what I am about to write about has little in common with my original thoughts.

There has been a rule that I have followed with this blog that essentially boils down to if I feel as though I am supposed to write something, no matter how I feel about it, I do it. When this occurs I frequently find myself wondering if the subject is pressed into my heart for the benefit of another at the appointed time.

With this one, I am not so sure. Part of me feels as though this is just my way of trying to figure out the tumultuous thoughts and intense emotions that I have been subjected to as late. If that is indeed the case, then it would be just as beneficial to leave this one in the drafts folder. That said, I am going to stay the course, God’s will be done.

Faith is unpopular in our time

Religious faith anyway. We are far too intelligent and have answered to many of life’s mysteries to succumb to such superstitions. This sentiment is frequently echoed by the same cohort of people who will quickly remind you to “trust the science”. Remember that? It is hilarious when you think about it. Trusting the science, especially in it’s most recent context was nothing short of a declaration of faith. The cognitive dissonance necessary to on one hand dismiss faith in the unchanging Creator of the universe, while advocating for faith in a process by its very nature requires rigorous testing and retesting is immense to say the least.

That said, I am not hating, the title of this piece should adequately illustrate that I am in no position to do so. The point is that faith is something we all experience, we just place our faith into different things. This is of course no accident, as man’s penchant for constructing false idols is one of the themes of the Bible, the Torah, and the Quran.

If one even wanted to get more specific, original sin as depicted in the book of Genesis was best explained by the serpent as the ability to be like God. The idea that man would worship himself, or the things he created, above anything else is not just a plot device of an old book, it is literally the central theme to our lives. The entire story of the Bible is essentially a story about a fall from grace, man’s attempt to fill a God sized hole in his being, and his eventual redemption.

Faith is a process

I didn’t know this when I placed my faith in Jesus of Nazareth a man who I believe to be fully man and God, who lived a blameless life and was nonetheless killed by the State only to be resurrected from the dead 3 days later. I don’t blame you if you don’t believe this, I get it. I am not going to try to change your mind, as far as Christians go I am the least of them, I assure you.

My attitude towards faith at the time of my conversion was one of “Ok, you got my back on that whole receiving your life through grace, God. I will handle the rest of this life thing in the here and now.”

That worked pretty well for me until I found myself looking for an escape from the pain and torment caused by a back injury on the other side of a 185 grain Golden Sabre. It didn’t help that my best friend was concurrently having his own trials. Specifically treatment for a form of cancer so rare they could have named it after him.

Unlike me, my best friend wasn’t trying to figure out how to best exit while causing minimal trauma to his loved ones (there is no minimal trauma to be found, btw. As someone who has seen more death than most on the streets and in hospitals, I can tell you without equivocation that nothing is harder on loved ones than suicide.) Instead he was often upbeat, and it was because he focused on trusting God through his ordeal. Lesson learned.

Once I got my priorities straight re faith, I found myself using faith in God to make it through the day. Sometimes minute by minute. When I think back on those times, over 20 years ago, I find myself in awe. My life is better in every conceivable way, and my best friend? He is still with us today, cancer free.

Faith is the antidote to fear

Fear is a bitch, I know because that is what I was in the grips of those 20 years ago. Fear is the reason why our current day State was so easily able to effectively place a sizable portion of humanity on house arrest during the pandemic. Faith, not fear, is the reason I declined Covid vaccinations as a healthcare worker. The potential loss of my income just didn’t phase me, as I knew we would be ok. Faith is what allowed me to take care of Covid patients in the first place, as I had accepted long ago that my life wasn’t mine after all. God’s will be done.

Fear is what I find myself battling yet again. The fear of the unknown, the fear of loss. Fear looming over my consciousness like a giant. For a man whose friends and family know him as practically fearless, I have found myself in whatever the emotional equivalent of the fetal position is recently. Fear is a mother fucker.

Even Achilles had his weak point, and mine is currently surrounded by uncertainty. I am too strong, I know better, I have been through this before. I don’t deserve good things, everyone loses before its all said and done, miracles? I don’t deserve such things. Variations of these thoughts scroll through my spirit constantly. In the moments that should provide quiet stillness there is none to be found. No peace, no plans, no joy, no hope. Just a fear so profound that it causes pain preemptively. Where is your faith now, Jack?

A Man acquainted with sorrow

36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” 37 And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. 38 Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

39 He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” Matthew 26: 36-39

I thought of this verse earlier today. For context this took place after the Last Supper, and before Jesus’ arrest. Here we have the Son of God feeling the weight of his humanity, feeling the weight of a fear that was surely of a greater magnitude than any that I have known.

The very model of what a Christian should aspire to found Himself subjected to the same thing I find myself grappling with now. There it is, God’s will be done. That’s the answer.

Additional Thoughts

I don’t know what is coming, but I do know that I cannot rely on my own strength in the face of this fear. Even though it seems difficult to relinquish the idea that my life, that is to say, my fate, or the fate of the people I love remains outside of my control; this is as it always has been.

As I work through this uncertain path, I find myself being thankful that I have had occasion to live through trying times in the past. If faith can be likened to a muscle, even when you don’t exercise it all of the time, you find yourself surprised by just how strong it actually remained while you didn’t use it.

I am thankful that I have the option to put my faith in God in the first place. I find myself easier able to extend grace to people who feel like they don’t have that option, why wouldn’t they turn to institutions larger than themselves as a source for comfort during uncertain times? This is rational for the materialist, even if they don’t realize they are exercising the same faith that any believer does. The only difference to be found in the object of their faith.

This one has taken me several days to write, a long time to work through the turmoil. Writing this did help me, now I understand my bride’s use of journaling to help work through things a bit better. I still don’t want to publish it. It’s too raw, too close to the source. So I find myself with another opportunity to exercise my faith.

God’s will be done.