Sex

The end of Roe vs Wade in the US has ignited a firestorm of controversy. I don't have much to say about abortion, and frankly there is no use in beating a dead horse. I believe in the necessity of personal responsibility, and if we are going to have a national discussion about anything we should start there. The only reason why I even mention it is because I keep seeing this call to action on Twitter regarding a "Sex Strike". This rallying cry, meant to encourage women to close shop, has led to quite a bit of thought on my end. Hopefully writing about it will expunge this bit of nonsense from my psyche once and for all.

What do they mean by a sex strike?

From what I gather the idea is that women are encouraged not to have sex as a way to protest the end of Roe v Wade. If you are a married man, and your wife is going to withhold sex from you in order for her to virtue signal, you have some big problems on your hand. This is a good opportunity to give the status of your relationship proper consideration and figure out what's wrong. A loving wife is not going to withhold her physical affection from you because her iPhone told her to. Something is fundamentally wrong, and its time for some honest communication.

For single folks, the implications of a sex strike are a bit different, and that is what I would like to focus on here for a bit. I would like to start by pointing out what should be completely obvious:

If you aren't going to engage in casual sex because you don't want the responsibility of raising a child by yourself then you are essentially rediscovering the concept of marriage. Congratulations trailblazers!

The concept of marriage exists due to a variety of factors, and all of them boil down to the concept of a fair trade: the fidelity of a woman is exchanged for the protection and assistance in raising offspring from a man.

It is easy to forget in our comfortable Western culture that the human experience is quite difficult. Historically life for our species has been brutal, especially for an expecting/nursing mother. This is why we are biologically programmed with all of these hormones that encourage pair bonding. It is not hyperbole to say that we owe the survival of our species to Oxytocin. Women have a limited amount of eggs, and men have nearly unlimited sperm. Without the hormonal magic of Oxytocin there would be no biological incentive for any desirable man in history to just impregnate one woman and stay with her. Pair bonding literally builds civilizations.

Thankfully we are quite insulated from the savagery of nature, and the concept of marriage has many romanticized notions surrounding it. This is one of the factors that makes marriage a bit tricky to navigate for modern humans. We don't have to be with one another to survive. This is as far as I will go with marriage today, because this is a rich subject matter that can be mined at a later time.

Sex for recreation

In the world I grew up in, casual sex was glorified in the media. Oddly enough in many ways its less glorified now, and that is largely due to our culture having figured out how to reduce the act of sex into a complicated form of masturbation. Hook up culture has been such an abysmal failure that young people are actually having less sex than previous generations. This coupled with some other factors has led to people such as Elon Musk sounding the warning of an imminent population collapse. I think you can safely say that if pair bonding builds civilization then hookup culture is literally helping destroy it.

Aside from this problem of not enough humans, recreational sex also comes with other baggage. Baggage that I am all too familiar with.

When I was young and stupid I was obsessed with sex (, as any healthy young man should be. However, I didn't think much about how sex would affect my partners. Sure, I knew that if I wasn't careful I could wind up with a pregnant girl (and a very frightening, angry, large man who I called Dad) on my hands, or even the dreaded AIDS that I couldn't go five minutes without hearing about. However, I didn't view girls as anything but a sex object. In all honesty I never even noticed a woman's eyes until I was well into my 20's. The result of this was a lot of pain inflicted upon too many young women who I used for my own gratification/ego. This has been a source of pain for me as well as I have gotten older and matured. The bouncing baby girl I was later gifted with by my Heavenly Father also had the unpleasant effect of magnifying this disappointment in myself for my past actions.

Keep it simple stupid

Another lesson that I learned the hard way, several times, is that when you introduce sex into a relationship you complicate that relationship exponentially. One early lesson I learned is that the concept of "friends with benefits" is utter bullshit. Looks great on paper, but it is a fantastic way to ruin a friendship. I can't speak for everyone, but I found out quickly that at least one party in a FWB situation is going to catch feelings. In my experience this ultimately lessens the friendship, or even dissolves it completely. As as bad as this can be, it isn't as bad as the next complication.

Remember when we were talking earlier about Oxytocin? There are other hormones involved in natures scheme to keep Planet Earth teeming with people. Hormones such as: Dopamine, Serotonin, Norepinephrine, Testosterone, etc. This potent cocktail can make both men and women oblivious to the realities surrounding the object of their desire. Too often people find themselves in relationships that are difficult to extricate themselves from due to the fondness that they have acquired for someone who is just not right for them. This can not only lead to the broken hearts of the couple involved, but can absolutely devastate children. Speaking as a divorced man, who wound up in a dysfunctional marriage, I consider myself an expert in absolutely destroying the worlds of innocent children.

Thankfully the damage that was inflicted upon them has not prevented them from being happy, thriving, young people. That said, the fact remains that they bear scars inflicted upon them by the people who they trusted the most to protect them. I carry a burden of guilt with me that I do not wish on anyone. Knowing that if I had to do it all again, I would be faced with the option of having these amazing children or running from the broken woman who hurt me like it was her occupation is not a fun thought experiment.

The reality of sex

Earlier in this piece I referenced being a healthy young man obsessed with sex. I am still that guy, (minus the youth). The biggest lesson that I have learned about sex over the years is that it is much better in the context of a trusting, loving ,relationship. Not just the benefit of having a partner who knows what you like, nor the comfort of being able to be vulnerable with someone who you trust more than anyone else in the world. While these things do increase the physical pleasure of the act, one of the most fascinating things I have learned is just how spiritual the act can be. Jesus describes a man and a woman becoming "one flesh". There are occasions when the bond that my bride and I share during the act that can only be described as becoming "one spirit". It is difficult to explain in words, so you will have to learn this lesson for yourself.

As always thank you for reading. This one took a turn into an injured part of my soul, but I think it was worth it. If you are going through a tough time, never hesitate to reach out, I am no one special, but always willing to lend an ear. I don't have anything else to say for now. Until next time, Jack.

The NFT featured in today's piece is #97 from the Mars Woman collection

*The easiest way to DCA your Stacks here