Trust

Do you enjoy buying a car from a dealership?

Obviously the excitement of getting a new car aside, the actual experience of making the deal. I don't, and I am willing to bet that if anyone actually enjoys the process they may be experiencing an undiagnosed form of mental illness. I don't care if you are dealing with the same salesperson that you have a half dozen times before, you never can fully escape the feeling that you have been had to some degree. Ultimately this is because both parties have competing interest. No matter how much you like that person, or the vehicle in question, you know that their interest are not your interest. You can't trust that they have your best interest in mind. If this is the case with a consumer good, then how much more important is trust in the most important relationships; and what relationship is of more import than the one with your partner?

Love and hormones

When you first develop feelings for someone, you are really just following the biological imperative set forth by a dazzling array of hormonal cascades. In other words "the birds and the bees". Nature is ensuring that you pass on your genes to another generation. This is why so many people find themselves in the situation where they are two years into a relationship with someone who they feel no real connection with. The love that you feel for your partner during this stage is real, it just isn't very deep. It is largely a product of biology. You can get this to this level of a relationship with literally anyone who you are sexually attracted to/compatible with. A more mature, lasting, love requires more than just testosterone, oxytocin, and dopamine.

Lessons learned

I have been both the injured party as well as the bad actor in relationships. For what it's worth I think that most people want to be good, faithful, partners, but after getting burned we tend to get jaded. Obviously there are other factors such as human fallibility, and sometimes we find ourselves partnered with sociopathic/narcissistic personalities that can leave us deeply damaged. This is complex stuff lads, and a testament to the wisdom of "taking it slow". Keeping things uncomplicated for as long as possible allows us to more easily extricate ourselves from toxic relationships when the red flags show up (fwiw, easier said than done and I certainly have not lived up to my own advice here. However, hindsight is 20/20 and I definitely see the value at this stage in my life).

The love of my life

My bride taught me about trust, not verbally of course, but through the love that we share. When I was a young idealist I had this idea of what loving a woman would ultimately look like. There was a way that I wanted to express my feelings for the object of my affection. Upon being able to put this into practice, lets just say I understand why so many young men waffle between the extremes of MGTOW and PUA. I get it.

Luckily for me as my relationship with the future Mrs. Binswitch progressed from a deep appreciation of her as a friend into more meaningful territory I was revisited by a familiar, sentiment: I want to love this woman the way that I have always wanted to love a woman. Looking back we both took a very big bet on one another, and I am eternally thankful that we did.

The process

Essentially it came down to this: I decided that in order for us to be who we ultimately wanted to be as a couple that I would not give my future bride any reason not to trust me. No longer would I be overly friendly with other women ( I am a Med after all, I can be sexy even when I don't try), no texting, excessive small talk, and most importantly upon meeting a girl who I felt as though I could develop a fondness for....yeah I nip that shit in the bud. There are no secrets, in essence I try my best to not give my bride any reason to feel uncomfortable in our relationship. This dynamic goes both ways. I don't care if this seems weird or off, I care about results, and the results have led to our having an extraordinarily happy marriage full of love and longing for one another.

The result

My bride and I can tell each other anything. You cannot fully understand the freedom and peace that can be found in this arrangement until you personally experience it. No matter the insecurity, or fear I know that I can approach my partner with it and be met with love and understanding. This is the power of trust, and this trust allows our love to grow more deeply than I had ever thought possible. This is why you cannot experience the fullness of love unless you have a solid foundation of trust to build on. That is all I have to say for now, thanks for reading as always. Until next time, Jack.