Blended Family Basics

One of my Twitter buddies asked me if I would write a bit about the subject of blended families. He is a homie, and I have some experience, so lets do this.

For the uninitiated, I am married to my soul mate (yes they exist you cynical bastard), and as fate would have it our marriage is not the first one for either of us. We both have children from our previous relationships, and as some of you know this can be a challenge. I am in no means an expert, tbh I never read any of the parenting books or statistics. I am like Han Solo in that regard, don't tell me my odds. So I am not telling you what to do, only what I have done.

No good marriage ends in divorce, I believe this was originally pointed out by Louis CK, the now infamous comedian. This was certainly the case for both me and my bride. The problem is that children don't see it that way. Children want their parents to be together, and the devastation caused by divorce is deeply traumatic. They don't care why their parents couldn't make it work, nor should they. Multiplying the difficulty of an already impossible situation is the tendency for an ex spouse to assign blame, talk poorly about their other parent, family gossip, and if you live in a small enough place; town gossip. These factors alone make an already difficult situation volatile, and we haven't even discussed the logistics of taking two broken families and trying to graft them into one. This stuff is not for the faint of heart.

Before I go any further, I would like to point out something that is of the upmost import. You and your new bride have to make a decision to make your relationship the nucleus of this new family. No matter what happens you are a team. Another important consideration is to realize that the love you have for your bride is going to be the wellspring that generates the love that you are going to have to give your new children. This is going to be tough, and sometimes you are not going to feel very loving towards them if you are trying to do this out of your own strength. Some issues that will come up are going to 100% rely on you and your bride being an unbreakable unit. This has to be your baseline for when the emotions get too high.

Understand that the kids are going to act out, and there isn't a FAQ that can tell you how long this will last, or even what form the acting out will take. It will become immediately obvious that you and your bride probably don't have the same style raising children. Another hang up will be defeating the urge to believe that one partner is showing favoritism, or even worrying that they are being unnecessarily harsh. Without trust, and good communication things will start breaking down here. You should be good at trust and communication with your spouse, these are the building blocks of intimacy. So if this isn't your first go, understand that you have to have this part nailed down from the outset.

My bride trust me, and I her. Love and communication came easy for us. Trust was something we had to work on pretty early on, and the reason for this was essentially baggage that we brought from previous relationships. You remember "Equally Yoked"? We have always been equally yoked, and part of that has to do with our own trauma from our previous relationships. Thankfully it makes trust a bit easier to navigate because we can both speak each others language. We can honestly communicate, and we trust that the other person ultimately wants what is best for us even in the most fierce storm of shit circumstances. So your work starts here, this part has to be solid.

When it comes to trying to be a good step dad to these new little people in your life, my tact was pretty simple. I give as much of myself as they will allow, and this sets you up for a lot of pain and disappointment. Sure the kids don't mind that you work extra to make sure they don't do without. It is really easy to resent your biological counterpart, and then even the kids themselves as you find yourself constantly giving and getting very little in return. Some times its going to feel like the other parent gets a pass for doing very little, and nothing that you can do is good enough. You will feel like no matter what you do the step children are just going to not appreciate it. From time to time they are going to be disrespectful, and even act out in such a way that brings the entire household into disarray. This is why communication is so important. You have to be able to talk to your bride about these things, because sometimes the issue will have to be handled and she will be the most qualified to handle it.

It has just become clear to me that I have a lot to say about this, so I am going to have to write a series if you all want to read more.

Let me end this on a very positive note. I just recently celebrated my 44th birthday, and it was one of the best birthdays of my life. All of my kids were here, and we are an actual, functional, loving, family. The children all have their own little dynamics with each other, and thankfully they established those bonds first. That said, my bride's children do love me. They show me in their own ways, and in the best moments they tell me. My oldest daughter wrote me a beautiful card with words that neither of us ever probably thought she would say to me, and she means them. It has been very difficult, but worth it. I wouldn't have been able to do this of my own strength. I owe mamy thanks to my Father, and my Bride for getting to this place. If you are struggling, I hope that this can give you some assistance. If you need an ear I am always here.

Let me know if you want me to write any more about this subject matter. We essentially only scratched the surface of communication with this one. At any rate, this is enough for now. Until next time, Jack.

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